I'm not asleep for long.There is loud rock music coming from one of the other rooms.It's not quite eleven yet, and I've slept about two hours, if you could call it that.mostly it's just rolling from side to side, trying to find a part of my body that doesn't have a kink in it.I never really worry about sleep.I know my body will sleep well when it needs to.But I do wish the bed was more comfortable.
Outside it's a decent night,from what I can tell.Mid winter, but not overly cold.What I'd call a nice winters day.It's amazing that I've ever come to regard any winter day as nice, because I was raised in a house that valued warm weather.My father never seemed happy unless it was scorching hot outside.but there are a lot of days in winter that I rather enjoy.Cars snake up and down Center Street, and jackrabbits run about in the backyard.I focus on the airport again and try to let it calm me to sleep.
How did I come to be in Calgary? Well that's easy enough.How does a single man end up anywhere? He follows a woman.And that's exactly what I did.I was living well enough in Edmonton.I had enough work, a lot of good friends, and a church that was nothing short of amazing.There never was a time in my life when I was living out the Christian life like I was then, and I had a lot of love and support from my church community.
On the day before Thanks Giving 2000,we had a visitor in our church.The pastor would always ask visitors to stand and be recognized, and on this occasion several people did.One was a woman who indicated that she was visiting from Calgary.Her name was Janet.
After church, I started talking with Janet and we headed out for coffee.As it ended up, we spent the whole afternoon and evening together. In the park,we walked along side the river, and I was amazed to find that Janet could do something I'd never seen anyone else do. She held out her hand and the chickadees would fly right up and land on her outstretched palm. I thought it rather amazing, and decided after an hour or so of walking and talking with Janet, that I was rather taken with her.
We decided that since the weather was so beautiful, we would just go to the supermarket and get the things for a picnic.We didn't really have all the things we needed to fix a meal, so we got some juice, and some french bread and cheese and had a picnic of that.Then we were off to a movie.It had been a while since I'd seen a movie, not to mention being on what was seeming to be more and more like a date.
It wasn't that I was lacking in attention from females.But I didn't really have a steady girlfriend at the time.There was Abigail*,a girl at church, but if you'd asked me to explain that in the Pre- Facebook days, I would have still been forced to admit that"It's complicated." Let me put it this way.When it came to Abigail, I loved everything about her.She was a kind and gentle soul, very caring,the perfect Christian in my eyes. There was just one thing about her that I had difficulty with.I was not attracted to her in a physical sense.It's not that she was not attractive.She was just tiny while I really preferred larger women.The hard time came because I knew I shouldn't care what she looked like.All the beautiful things that came out of her should have been enough.So I felt guilty about not finding her physically attractive, and it was one of the things that got in the way of moving the relationship forward.In the meantime, other people in church remarked to me that her and I "made a fine couple.",not knowing that we were not a couple.Well,a couple of friends, but not in any other sense.Someone asked me one Sunday morning "So when are you going to fall in love with Abigail?" It's hard to know how to answer that.It's very complicated.
None of that was as big as one other thing though, when it came to getting in the way of relationships.There was something else.Abigail had cancer.Cancer of the brain.In truth,she didn't seem to be doing that well, though I can't say for certain, because it was a burden that she chose to bear alone.So I would see her in church for a couple of Sundays in a row, then she would disappear for a time.By the fall of 2000, those times were becoming more frequent and longer.She just didn't want anyone to see her when she was not well.
So then along came Janet.I guess if I was to be fully honest,I'd have to say I viewed her as a way out.I didn't really want out of Edmonton, but, God help me I was really looking for a way to distance myself from Abigail.What I perceived to be happening there was making me cowardly.It would just be too hard.You see, even though I'd not really fallen in love with her, that's not to say I didn't have very real and deep feelings for her.And I knew that God wanted me to have a Christian mate. So I told myself that Abigail really had enough to worry about without additional complications in her life.And that turned out to be true.If we'd been going together, which we weren't, you could have said I'd broken up with her and not really given her a reason why. But Janet presented herself at the perfect time to help me solve a problem.
After the movie,Janet drove me home, and as it turned out, I was locked out.I had to call my room mate from the car and get him to come and open the door.Janet and I kissed good-night and we agreed that I should come and visit her in Calgary at the beginning of November.Before I could do that I needed to talk with Abigail, and be as honest with her as I could.In truth, I didn't do badly, but I was hardly prepared to be fully honest.
We met at a fast food restaurant not far from where we both lived.She had disappeared for some time and I was afraid I would not get to see her again before I left for Calgary.I didn't really know it at the time, but I think in some part of my mind,I was already resolved to staying in Calgary once I got there.I was also concerned that time and opportunity was running short with Abigail, that If I didn't talk to her soon,that when I came back would be too late.
Abigail didn't know about Janet.So I told her.I also told her that for quite some time I'd been very fond of her as well.That was maybe about half of the truth.Or maybe not quite half.No mention was made of my not finding her attractive, of not being able to imagine waking up beside her each morning.I suggested that the reason I didn't pursue matters with her was that I thought that she had too many other worries to be able to entertain such a relationship.That was the whole truth, but also an abdication of responsibility on my part.I don't know what I would have done if it had turned out that she was interested in a romantic relationship.I hadn't thought it that far through, and I had my escape hatch.In any event,we parted best of friends, and I never heard from her again.That's always bothered me, but it was kind of the way I'd imagined things going with her anyway.That she would just disappear one time and that would be it.Only it was really me who disappeared.
On the fourth day of November I left right after work for the bus station.It was almost three and a half hours to Calgary, so I tried to sleep, knowing I wouldn't. At about ten o'clock I arrived at the Greyhound depot in Calgary, and Janet was waiting.We embraced warmly and drove the ten minutes to her place.It ended up being the visit that never ended.
I'm looking out my bedroom window to the north, thinking that I really should lay down and sleep again.I don't have to be working until later in the morning, but I still need to be up reasonably early.I'll walk to work tomorrow too, maybe spend a bit more time plane watching.
* Name has been changed.
Outside it's a decent night,from what I can tell.Mid winter, but not overly cold.What I'd call a nice winters day.It's amazing that I've ever come to regard any winter day as nice, because I was raised in a house that valued warm weather.My father never seemed happy unless it was scorching hot outside.but there are a lot of days in winter that I rather enjoy.Cars snake up and down Center Street, and jackrabbits run about in the backyard.I focus on the airport again and try to let it calm me to sleep.
How did I come to be in Calgary? Well that's easy enough.How does a single man end up anywhere? He follows a woman.And that's exactly what I did.I was living well enough in Edmonton.I had enough work, a lot of good friends, and a church that was nothing short of amazing.There never was a time in my life when I was living out the Christian life like I was then, and I had a lot of love and support from my church community.
On the day before Thanks Giving 2000,we had a visitor in our church.The pastor would always ask visitors to stand and be recognized, and on this occasion several people did.One was a woman who indicated that she was visiting from Calgary.Her name was Janet.
After church, I started talking with Janet and we headed out for coffee.As it ended up, we spent the whole afternoon and evening together. In the park,we walked along side the river, and I was amazed to find that Janet could do something I'd never seen anyone else do. She held out her hand and the chickadees would fly right up and land on her outstretched palm. I thought it rather amazing, and decided after an hour or so of walking and talking with Janet, that I was rather taken with her.
We decided that since the weather was so beautiful, we would just go to the supermarket and get the things for a picnic.We didn't really have all the things we needed to fix a meal, so we got some juice, and some french bread and cheese and had a picnic of that.Then we were off to a movie.It had been a while since I'd seen a movie, not to mention being on what was seeming to be more and more like a date.
It wasn't that I was lacking in attention from females.But I didn't really have a steady girlfriend at the time.There was Abigail*,a girl at church, but if you'd asked me to explain that in the Pre- Facebook days, I would have still been forced to admit that"It's complicated." Let me put it this way.When it came to Abigail, I loved everything about her.She was a kind and gentle soul, very caring,the perfect Christian in my eyes. There was just one thing about her that I had difficulty with.I was not attracted to her in a physical sense.It's not that she was not attractive.She was just tiny while I really preferred larger women.The hard time came because I knew I shouldn't care what she looked like.All the beautiful things that came out of her should have been enough.So I felt guilty about not finding her physically attractive, and it was one of the things that got in the way of moving the relationship forward.In the meantime, other people in church remarked to me that her and I "made a fine couple.",not knowing that we were not a couple.Well,a couple of friends, but not in any other sense.Someone asked me one Sunday morning "So when are you going to fall in love with Abigail?" It's hard to know how to answer that.It's very complicated.
None of that was as big as one other thing though, when it came to getting in the way of relationships.There was something else.Abigail had cancer.Cancer of the brain.In truth,she didn't seem to be doing that well, though I can't say for certain, because it was a burden that she chose to bear alone.So I would see her in church for a couple of Sundays in a row, then she would disappear for a time.By the fall of 2000, those times were becoming more frequent and longer.She just didn't want anyone to see her when she was not well.
So then along came Janet.I guess if I was to be fully honest,I'd have to say I viewed her as a way out.I didn't really want out of Edmonton, but, God help me I was really looking for a way to distance myself from Abigail.What I perceived to be happening there was making me cowardly.It would just be too hard.You see, even though I'd not really fallen in love with her, that's not to say I didn't have very real and deep feelings for her.And I knew that God wanted me to have a Christian mate. So I told myself that Abigail really had enough to worry about without additional complications in her life.And that turned out to be true.If we'd been going together, which we weren't, you could have said I'd broken up with her and not really given her a reason why. But Janet presented herself at the perfect time to help me solve a problem.
After the movie,Janet drove me home, and as it turned out, I was locked out.I had to call my room mate from the car and get him to come and open the door.Janet and I kissed good-night and we agreed that I should come and visit her in Calgary at the beginning of November.Before I could do that I needed to talk with Abigail, and be as honest with her as I could.In truth, I didn't do badly, but I was hardly prepared to be fully honest.
We met at a fast food restaurant not far from where we both lived.She had disappeared for some time and I was afraid I would not get to see her again before I left for Calgary.I didn't really know it at the time, but I think in some part of my mind,I was already resolved to staying in Calgary once I got there.I was also concerned that time and opportunity was running short with Abigail, that If I didn't talk to her soon,that when I came back would be too late.
Abigail didn't know about Janet.So I told her.I also told her that for quite some time I'd been very fond of her as well.That was maybe about half of the truth.Or maybe not quite half.No mention was made of my not finding her attractive, of not being able to imagine waking up beside her each morning.I suggested that the reason I didn't pursue matters with her was that I thought that she had too many other worries to be able to entertain such a relationship.That was the whole truth, but also an abdication of responsibility on my part.I don't know what I would have done if it had turned out that she was interested in a romantic relationship.I hadn't thought it that far through, and I had my escape hatch.In any event,we parted best of friends, and I never heard from her again.That's always bothered me, but it was kind of the way I'd imagined things going with her anyway.That she would just disappear one time and that would be it.Only it was really me who disappeared.
On the fourth day of November I left right after work for the bus station.It was almost three and a half hours to Calgary, so I tried to sleep, knowing I wouldn't. At about ten o'clock I arrived at the Greyhound depot in Calgary, and Janet was waiting.We embraced warmly and drove the ten minutes to her place.It ended up being the visit that never ended.
I'm looking out my bedroom window to the north, thinking that I really should lay down and sleep again.I don't have to be working until later in the morning, but I still need to be up reasonably early.I'll walk to work tomorrow too, maybe spend a bit more time plane watching.
* Name has been changed.
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